Reversing The Trend of Divorce

Muslims in America are not immune and are at greater risks than ever before.

By Khadija Abdus Sabur

National data presents the divorce rate in the US at 35-45%. Upon speaking to individuals in the Islamic community who routinely perform marriages, the percentage of couples who seek post marital counseling is 35%, but the amount that end in divorce is approximately 50%. This is a startling statistic, especially in a religion where marriage is considered a sacred institution and half of your religion. So, you might ask, what are we doing wrong? Let’s examine how we as women can do better at selecting, and keeping a good husband, InshaAllah.  

Step 1- Intention

As women, we have to check our intentions in seeking a mate and open up an honest dialogue with ourselves.  What is the reason that we are seeking marriage? What do we hope to get out of the experience? Better yet, what do we commit to contributing? Is it that we just want to be taken care of, move out of our parents house, or engage in lawful intimacy? While all of these are valid reasons, they are not in themselves things that sustain a long term relationship. Marriage is not only a contract between a man and woman, but a contract with Allah. Are you fully prepared to be a wife as defined by Islam? Are you willing to respect and obey your husband, which I might add does not diminish you in the least, but raises you many levels. Do you want to grow together in your Islam, committing to continuous improvement and proper education of your children? Are you there just for the good times or are you ready and willing to face any tests together with the help of Allah. These are the things you should ask yourself before you even begin your search. Often times we are very specific about what we want, but have not given the slightest thought to what we have to offer.  

Step 2 – Selection Criteria  

We can probably all quote the Hadith which states that a woman is married for four things: wealth, beauty, status, or deen. It is narrated by Abu Hurairah, may Allah be pleased with him, that Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) said: “A woman may be married for four reasons: for her wealth, her status, her beauty, and her religion; so try to get one who is religious, may your hand be besmeared with dust” (may you enjoy good welfare)[1].

This illustrious Hadith concludes by exhorting the believing men to choose the one with deen, if they desire true success. Well, how are we any different? If women truly want success in marriage, we should follow this same advice. As naturally emotional creatures, we often become distracted or intrigued by things that we like, but that may not be the best for us (yes, I dared say we are emotional-you know it’s true). For instance, we may glamorize the man that makes 100K a year, but what you don’t know is that he beats his wife. How about the brother with the impeccable beard, but he has children out of wedlock. The point is that basing things on external or material factors alone may cause you to regret your decision later. Not that these things are not important, but they are secondary to having good character and religion. By choosing someone who first and foremost fears his Lord, you can almost guarantee that he will do right by you, as well as any children you have. Once a man came to Al-Hasan ibn Ali and said: “I have a daughter. To whom should I marry her?” He answered: “Marry her to a man who has taqwa. If he loves her he will be generous to her and if he does not like her he will still treat her well.” Regarding this, one of our predecessors said: “Take care of your daughter because once she is given in marriage she will be in the care of another and if he is bad she will be trapped.”  As we see from this wise advice, With someone who does not fear Allah, there is not much that we, or even the men in our family can do to ensure our rights. So, please pick the one with the deen. Just remember, he probably wants someone with good deen as well, so have that conversation with yourself that we mentioned in step 1. 

Step 3-Selection Process

Ok, we’ve done some self examination, purified our intentions, and thought clearly about what type of husband we want. But here is where a lot of women fall victim—not working through a Wali to carry out the search. When couples go to counseling due to marital problems, often the sister will have a laundry list of the issues (most of which were preexisting). However, when asked who her Wali is and if he critiqued the brother and gave his approval, there is often an echoing silence. Why is this? Either she:           

1. Chose the brother herself and did not use a Wali at all;

2. Was approached by the brother directly, and he had his best friend become her Wali to facilitate the Nikah;

3. Had a Wali, but they did not meet the Sharia requirements

Sound familiar? Unfortunately, these scenarios occur more often than you may think. A sister may meet a brother, and they get married within two weeks, without the benefit of proper investigation, and with a stand-in Wali, who after the Nikah is performed, won’t take any responsibility for what happens. This leaves the sister in a precarious situation. There was no one to truly evaluate the brother and deem him a good candidate for marriage. Often times, the women may have a certain idea of what a person is like, or what their education or material resources consist of, but find out after marriage that things are completely different. This is one of the many benefits of having a Wali investigate any potential partner. Believe me, as intelligent as women are, men know men. They will be able to glean things that we cannot.

Another very common scenario is looking for a mate via the internet. While this is potentially good resource, it is often used incorrectly, with the parties communicating without a Wali. The thought is: well we’re not talking in person, or we’re not alone together, so it’s halaal, right? The answer is an interesting one. With Muslims residing all across the country and scattered to the four corners of the earth, the internet is a useful tool in looking for a potential mate. However, it is how it is used that could prove dangerous. Let’s examine two scenarios:

1. A sister puts a profile on an Islamic marriage site (some of them are actually dating sites). She lists her personal email address or phone number, or may opt to receive emails via the site’s internal mail system. Before you know it she is receiving emails and instant messages from potential suitors wanting to know more about her, initiate an online chat, or set up a time to talk personally. After deciding that they like each other, they decide to set up a face to face meeting.

    

   • STOP! This is where it becomes haraam. For some reason there is a common misconception that it is permissible to engage in these types of communications with a male, but it is not. A number of scholars have touched on the impermissibility of this. Know for a surety that when there are two parties together male and female, that Shaytan is the third. And for those who think they are strong, or would never be sweet talked into doing anything haraam, ask the Imam in your community about the numerous cases of people who now “have” to get married because they met online, began a conversation, and it ended in producing a child from zinaa (fornication).  Even if things do not go this far, it is not permissible to engage in a conversation without the presence of a Wali. One of the benefits to this is that men know men. They can more accurately discern a mans character and catch any contradictions that present themselves. Again, we are emotional creatures and prone to believing things that may not be altogether true. Additionally, it protects the woman’s virtue. Even if you never engage in any illicit behavior, the fact that you have engaged in one on one conversations or meetings can place a cloud over your reputation.

    

2. The same sister places a profile online, but in the contact section, gives her Wali’s phone number and email address. He is able to screen any responses and present her with the options that pass his critique. The sister may even peruse the online profiles and have her Wali initiate contact with those individuals she finds interesting. When she and her Wali narrow the search to serious candidates, they set up phone conversations or face to face meetings in which the Wali is always present. The suitor is never given the sisters contact information, and if he has more questions or wants to pursue things, he will have to contact the Wali. Now doesn’t scenario 2 sound much better? It is far superior for a number of reasons:

    

   • There is no room for Shaytan to bring shame upon the couple by leading them to commit zinaa. This places an extra level of blessing on the potential relationship.

   • The woman’s honor and chastity remains intact, and the suitor will have more respect for her. If you are very firm on not communicating without the presence of your Wali, believe me, this will scare off half of the candidates and leave you with a much better pool to select from.

   • The woman is not misled by the statements and promises of someone she knows nothing about. Many people grossly exaggerate in their profiles and it takes real investigation to sift through everything

   • InshaAllah, she will have married a brother with whom she is truly compatible.

   So please, no matter how tempting, do not engage in conversations or courting via the internet, or otherwise without the presence of your Wali. If you do not currently have one, contact the Masjid of which you are a member.

   Once you actually settle on a brother, the final step is to make Istikharah. This is a special duah where you ask Allah to make this a reality if it is good for your deen, and beneficial to your life in this world, and in the hereafter. However, if this particular brother is someone who is not good for your deen, and will not benefit you here and in the hereafter, then do not let this come to fruition, and make you content with Allah’s decree. InshaAllah, after doing everything mentioned above, Allah will bless you with a righteous husband.

   Next Article - Part II: Secrets of Longevity- How to maintain a happy marriage

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